Fighting; My Mistress

Most people would introduce their passion for fighting, their relationship to it or the role it plays in their lives as a great story about themselves or what fighting has done for them. To me, fighting is a woman and I’m just trying to set my boundaries right. If I’m going to be completely honest we’ve had some really unhealthy periods, but we’ve also been through some hard times, hard times that got better.

We met for the first time when I was 16, before that she was just another one of the children on the playground that I occasionally had the courage to say “Hi” to. In reality, I was just one of the many boys that wanted her attention. Most of those encounters with fighting were just scraps at track practice.

I remember the first time I saw her, not like I ran into her at the grocery store but literally saw her in her element. Those round kicks on the Thai pads and the thunderous crack when the shin hit the leather were electrifying. She looked amazing, but she made me feel really insecure. I wanted that so bad. I wanted to make those sounds. I wanted my kicks to look like that. It was a great feeling that after months of searching I had legitimately found something, something real.

I took up Jiu Jitsu just so I could touch her. I got beaten all the time, but she was honestly just that beautiful to me so I kept going.

It took a lot of work to get our relationship to where we have a trust thing that works for us you know? I’m 23 now. I feel like we have a pretty steady thing going, besides the other girls, the real ones.

 

I remember the first time hearing my own shins making that thunderous crack. I remember the first times I dropped my older, stronger teammates.

 

Fighting was just there for me. Occasionally I would take breaks or venture out into other relationships. These women had lots of names, some of them were people, but none of them really got me like fighting. I guess that’s why we always end up back together.

Like any woman, she has a temper, the likes of which hell hath no fury. Watch out. She really doesn’t like it when people come into my life and expect some sort of control over what we have going on and she always makes me pay for it if they do or if I slack off.

We are making plans, me and fighting. I told her I would balance school and all my other relationships so I would have time for her. I swear though, no matter how much I have with her it’s never enough. The arguments never end and once it gets physical, well… there’s no turning back.

It has a cost though, being physical like that. I know a lot of Christians that think it’s a sin. It’s not. Hate is a sin. Fighting is a passion, but my body tells a strange story. I’m only 23 and I’m pretty sure I walk with a limp.

I can tell you, I’ve definitely paid for it.

Sometimes I think she doesn’t love me. Sometimes it seems like she’s just into the younger freak athlete guys that began wrestling at age 6. Maybe it’s because they aren’t serious relationship material? They meeting fighting just to have a short stint of a year or two and its over, but how can that be what she’s looking for? I’m going on 8 years. Doesn’t she get it? If I were going to quit, I would have done it already.

I can’t help going back to her though, even when she hurts me.

We need boundaries, me and this thing with fighting. There’s a lot of good that comes out it, but there’s been a lot of bad too. She was my escape, literally.

I find myself always looking for more ways to spend time with her, but it’s different now. I’m older. I don’t care if people want to beat me up because they are jealous. I can’t hide or keep pretending there’s anything to be ashamed of. Maybe we aren’t where I want us to be, so what?

I feel like I’ve planned my whole life around her but I’ve been talking to God about it lately and what I’m hearing is, if I love her, I need to let her go.

I need to let her go because just by hanging on I’m in control of what’s possible and when you can give these things to God he can do so much more…

You can talk about anything, relationships, fighting, music, school, it doesn’t matter what it is because when you are in control of your dream, how it is obtained, what it looks like, all you get in the end is you.

God doesn’t want to see you limited to your dreams. He won’t force you to give them up, but he has his own for you. Your dreams are a reflection of yourself. God’s dreams are a reflection of himself and limitless.

Which do you want?

 

 

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